Off my chest

I feel very unserious at the moment. In fact I am faffing around at work even though I have several files to go through and prepare but don't blame me, blame all the posts I have been reading all morning.

This post has been in my journal for quite some time. Months actually. I always carry on conversations with myself. I don't know why. When Smaragd said she was a thinkaholic, I commented that I was too. I talk to myself. I was going through my journal and I found this. It was further inspired by a book I read over the weekend. I have since moved on from this episode but I did wonder how the dynamics of the human mind works. One minute you are all upset and angry and the next you are fine. Anyhoos here it is....

IN MY HEAD.... IMH
IN MY MIND.... IMM

IMH: He is cheating on me

IMM: Hmmn, you should have known. You never go to his place except he takes you there. You don't know what goes on when your back is turned. What about the time that girl came to his house and walked straight to the bedroom when you were reading thinking he was there when in fact he had gone out and you left the door open?
He is always on the phone or sending text messages.

IMH: But I worked so hard at loving him

IMM: You worked too hard at loving him for too little in return.

IMH: But he didn't love me

IMM: You are right, but that is his shortcoming not your failure.

IMH: But I tried so hard

IMM: It's not your fault he is a rotten sod. He probably liked you a lot but he didn't love you. He will try to get you back.

IMH: Do you think so?

IMM: Stupid girl, you shouldn't be hopeful, you should be horrified! You are better off without him. If he comes back begging and crawling and send him away with a resounding NO!

IMH: All my friends like him and my family too. I thought we might get married

IMM: Silly you. They are not in the relationship with you. It's good you found out now not when you are too far gone.

IMH: But all my friends are getting married. What do I say?

IMM: Think about yourself! A marriage is for ever. You should enjoy it not endure it. You have to deal with all his ish on a daily basis. NOT THEM. He makes you feel less than worthy. Why would you want that?
I think deep down you were never sure of his feelings for you and that's why you tried so hard. Gosh! It was like a full time job, taking breakfast to his office, anticipating his needs, matching his socks, you worked so hard at being a sexpot, a wifey and an amazing girlfriend.

IMH: What more could I have done?

IMM: You are trying to measure yourself against how much affection you could inspire in him.
You feel so low because you are judging yourself on how little he loved you.
You expected respect, affection and fidelity, none he gave. So stop beating yourself up. He doesn't deserve you and you are a wonderful girl.
It's not your fault he is an emotional imbecile.

IMH: I am so hurt and angry. I gave him everything.

IMM: You will get over this. He never makes love to you talkless of having an out of this world totally-driving-me-crazy-experience. It was always a wam-bam-thank-you-miss-I-am-tired kind of thing. Do you want to live with that? You were born to be made love to not ******. He is shallow and unworthy of your love.
He is always too busy to call or text you, yet he spends all his time with you texting and calling other people. If you really matter to him, time spent with you should be cherished not flittered away on an electronic gadget that's going nowhere.
He forgets everything you tell him. Your friends will get over how nice he is and in fact tell them to **** off! You are dating him not them. The loving halo he puts on for their show does not penetrate your soul. It wanes when they turn their backs so quit wondering what they will say you have done this time.
You are too loving to be constrained and maybe to him you are just a fling. You must not take this personally.

IMH: How can I not?

IMM: If he came tomorrow asking for forgiveness, would you take him back?

IMH: Silence

IMM: Would you?

IMH: Silence

IMM: Just answer the question

IMH: No, I don't think so

IMM: You see, it's nothing to do with you personally or the love or lack of it that he had for you. Ultimately you will see that you didn't love him that much to be with him for good. when you doubt someone's love for you that much, the harder you work trying to secure it and that's not healthy.
He is not worth your tears.
You might feel unsure of your next move or your heart might skip a beat whenever you see something that jogs your memory of him but in time it will slow down and return to normal.

Lastly it would be wrong to settle for anyone less than a man who absolutely adores you.

IMH: hmmm ok maybe you are right.

IMM: I am always right. You just never bother to consult me on these things.

And so it is.
Have a nice week everyone.